Monday, August 23, 2010

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me.


This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and grandpas who have been fearless and . . . .

learned to use the Computer.....



We do not stop playing because we grow old;

We grow old because we stop playing.

NEVER Be The First To Get Old!

Test for us "Older" Kids

I am hoping many will remember these. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us 'older kids! The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.


01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." What did he leave behind?________________.


02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S., in early 1964, we all watched them on The ____________________ Show.


03. 'Get your kicks, {where?} __________________.'


04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to
___________________.'


05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _________________________.'


06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'


07. NestlĂ©’s makes the very best . . . . _______________.'


08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.


09.What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.


10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night and '________ ________. '


11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________


12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ and _______________.


13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.


14.We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.


15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _______________.



ANSWERS :

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

02. The Ed Sullivan Show

03. On Route 66


04. To protect the innocent.


05.
The Lion Sleeps Tonight

06. The limbo


07. Chocolate


08.
Louis Armstrong

09. The
Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'


11. Draft cards (Not flags, as some have guessed)


12. Beetle or Bug


13.
Buddy Holly

14.
Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop



Pass this on to your friends. It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

A letter to a bank

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.



Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.


My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.


In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:


IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old People mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off
.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Free Children's Bible Bookmarks

http://biblebookmarks.3dcartstores.com/Free-Samples_p_19.html

Be sure to answer that you heard about it by "word of mouth" or it won't let the order continue. It lets you get 3 at a time.






Face--Wall Art, what is its origin??




I am not one to usually buy something like this but this caught my eye. It is made from one single piece of leather. The face part is all smooth and the rest has a stiff feel to it. It has no markings on it and I am not sure where it might have come from or who might have made this. Do any of my followers have any idea as to it's origin??? I would love to hear any ideas you may have. I'm still not sure if it goes with the rest of my decor yet or not, the reason for it to be on a wall all by its self. Hubby says it gives him a creepy feeling. I myself just am amazed as to who made it. More over maybe how old it might be?
I got it at the Salvation Army Store so I only pd $1.96 for it so I'm not out much for it, if it turns out to not be made by any "tribe" or anything. But I would really like to find out its origin.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

SENIORS IN LOVE

An elderly couple were invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend began each comment to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names".

The elderly lady hung her head. "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old fart what his name is".

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Marriage-what it REALLY IS!!!!

Christian

Andre Bocelli-absolutely beautiful

http://www.greatdanepro.com/Pray%20For%20America/index.htm

When the screen fills up with words, the words tumble to the bottom and new words start up again at the top of the screen. Very nice! Be sure to have your volume on....

Be sure to watch all the way to the end.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that Person..

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need You have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with Guidance and support, To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an End.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire Fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has Come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional Foundation..

Your job is to accept the lesson, Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other Relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Friday, August 13, 2010

*TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap. *

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

RV Holding Tank Odors Gone With the Wind, can also be used in your home




http://coilnwrap.com/

http://www.coilnwrap.com/more/Xtreme-Vents.htm
They are called:
Xtreme Vent
Price $59.95

HepVO Waste Valve for RV's but also the home





Now this can also be installed in your house at the kitchen faucet or in the bathroom at either the sink or for your tub and shower.

Here is one place I found to buy it:
http://www.marinemegastore.com/product.asp?pf_id=CLE_BV1_WH&jump=0&cat_id=&changecurrency=USD
a 32mm
at $36.19

or
http://www.marinemegastore.com/product.asp?pf_id=CLE_CV1_WH&changecurrency=USD
a 40mm
at $36.19

Blessed are

Matthew 5:3-11


3
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Making Homemade Laundry Soap




Now when I make mine-- I just use regular bar soap- whatever I happen to have on hand. We usually have Irish Spring. It makes the clothes smell really nice. I have never had any problems with the color running. But I also use a 5 gal. pot that you would use for canning that you put your jars in on the stove and I fill that completely up with hot water. I still let it set over night. Mine gets to a gel consistancy. So I have to shake my detergent ever time I get ready to use it to remix it. But no biggy. I use the same recipe as she used and I only use 1/4 cup in my loads and they come out fine. But to each their own. I also use vinegar for my fabric softener too. "No it doesn't make the clothes smell"
Have a nice day.....

Learn washer and dryer repair

Major Recall Notice

The Maker of human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality, " or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include:

Loss of direction
Foul vocal emissions
Amnesia of origin
Lack of peace and joy
Selfish or violent behavior
Depression or confusion in the mental component
Fearfulness
Idolatry
Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.

The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING:

Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.

DANGER:

The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!

- GOD

P.S.
Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail.'

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Byron's Dutch Oven Recipes

I don't have a dutch oven but even if you don't these recipes sound so good. Byron said you can also bake these in your oven most at just 350° F. I plan to give some of these a try. He has so many listed I don't know where to start first, from breakfast, to cakes and breads, to poultry and even some vegetarian. He has everything covered. The recipes come from him and his friends and neighbors from over the years. He has even gotten blue ribbons for some of them. He even has photos for you to look at.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Need a Laugh?

LIFE AFTER DEATH


"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!"


PALM SUNDAY

IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"


CHILDREN'S SERMON

ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "

SUPPORT A FAMILY

THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."


FIRST TIME USHERS

A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."


PRAYERS :
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TEL L ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT".


THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL... HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"


GRANDMA'S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"