Friday, November 1, 2013

Well another year has passed since my mom died.

I have learned to live without her. But I think that happened way before she died. 
Sadly I was the only girl of a family with 4 boys in it. I wasn't spoiled like many would think. Actually it was the opposite. If I didn't learn how to work on the vehicles & motorcycles I didn't get attention from my dad.
I was the only one who didn't complain when he drove at high rates of speed when he was drunk, reason being just so I could spend time with him. (oh believe me I prayed many times that the Lord would keep us safe)
My mom never really taught me how to cook. Sure I learnt how to cook speg., or chili but beyond that nothing more. I learned everything else on my own by trial and error. She did teach me how to shop on little to nothing since my dad drank away all the money. She taught me how to rob peter to pay paul. How to mix regular milk with powder milk so it would last longer & no one could taste the difference.
How to replace cheaper coffee in a Maxwell canister so no one knew. She was clever in those aspects.
But she let me down all through my childhood. She knew I was being molested/raped and just plain used for sex and she did nothing about it.
See I was raised in a family where when mom says *no* you DON'T go ask dad and visa versa.
Since mom knew what was happening to me she told me to never tell my dad. I knew that if I did that meant a severe spanking. Which I did not want. So for 10 yrs I said nothing to my dad or anyone else.
I just got to where I thought that was suppose to happen. I lived with a smile on my face so no one knew what was going on behind closed doors.
Why else would a mother not do anything about it?
There were more than one person involved and she knew it. Even when one moved away then moved back it started right back up with that person.
I left home at 17 yrs. old to get away from it. I did good taking care of myself. I ended up having 2 kids with the same dad. He left the pic soon after my 2nd child was born. My mother kept telling me I needed a father figure for my kids.
I listened to her, which I shouldn't have. I married guys who were good but after the 1st yr. showed their true colors. Either they ended up being drunks, or molested my daughter or beat me up.
With the one who molested my daughter he came from a prominent family, my mother wanted me to stay with him and try to work it out.
How do you work it out after he violates your child??? I left him and moved to another state. I divorced him.
I have made wrong choices with men but I never knew they were going to be the way they were when I married them. But when I found out I left and made sure my kids were safe.
My mother has been gone 15 yrs. now and as much as I loved her because she was my mother. I feel my life has been better since her death. I know it's sad to say. I do miss her though.
I have had a nervous break down, from where I was dealing with how do you react to a mother that on her death bed tells you she let you go through what you did because she knew you could handle it. I couldn't yell or scream at her or ask her questions because she was on oxygen and
couldn't talk much. I was left with so many questions.
But I made it through my nervous break down with the help of my now husband of 13 yrs.
I may not be well off like my brothers but I will bet I am much happier than they ever could be.
I have a person who has never cheated on me, hid things from me or lied to me. Sure we have our arguments like all couples do but he is my best friend. We can spend 24 hrs a day with each other and never get tired of each others company.
I don't need flowers, cards, candies and things for him to tell me he loves me. Just a wink and I know I'm the only one on his mind. I still feel like a (giddy) school girl when he winks at me.

I wish my mother could see me now.